The Official FAangirl Newsletter
by Light-Eco-Sage
Summary: Thank you for subscribing to The Official FAangirl Newsletter, the most comprehensive source of information on Avatar Aang's life that you'll find outside a biography. WARNING: MAJOR FANGIRLING INSIDE plus sexuality and language. Canon couples mostly.
1. Forward

**The Official F**_**Aang**_**irl Newsletter**

**By: Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: Mature for mentions of sexuality, but mostly for safety. (Canon couples)**

**Summary: Thank you for subscribing to The Official F**_**Aang**_**irl Newsletter, the most comprehensive gathering of information relating to Avatar Aang and his life that you'll find outside of an official biography.**

**Disclaimer: "Avatar: The Last Airbender" is owned by Bryke. I am merely borrowing them. XD**

**LES: This idea came to me at work, and it tormented me until I could get it written down. I have no idea how long this story is going to be. I'll just keep adding more chapters until I run out of ideas. This is mainly a place to fan-gush about my favorite character, but also lets me making fun of him a little. (I make fun of characters that I love.) I, Sage, am the editor of this publication, but the 'authors' will be different people who knew Aang personally or interviewed him or his friends. The official club is run by three people, who I'm sure you'll be able to quickly figure out who they are. Any "author's comments" are not made by me, but by these three characters.

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**A Forward from the Editor**

Thank you for subscribing to _The Official F_Aang_irl Newsletter_, the most comprehensive source of information on Avatar Aang and his life outside of a biography. What fun are biographies? They are dry, dull, and usually leave out all of the good stuff.

It is a known fact that those biographies leave out a great many things because many of the interviews that are contained herein are interviews for those biographies that were never published for a great many reasons: mostly because Avatar Aang shut them down because they revealed a little _too much_ about his life.

But as you'll come to see, much of this information are things that we, as F_Aang_irls, are greatly interested in. For example, just what goes on in Avatar Aang's life behind closed doors? What exactly is his relationship to each of the members of his GAang? And, most important of all, what is it like to actually date the Avatar (a question that many of us would love answered.)

If you are looking for an academic study of Avatar Aang's life, then you have come to the wrong place. If you are looking for fangirling (and sometimes fanboying) and lots of inappropriate material, then you have come to the right place.

Besides a few comments from my fellow authors, none of the interview material has been changed or altered in any way, appearing exactly as it was at the time it was written, though, for the safety of the people who wrote it and swore to Avatar Aang that they would never publish this forbidden material, we cannot give their names. Therefore, we'd like to extend our deepest gratitude to those who risked Avatar Aang's wrath by providing us with this material.

I hope that you enjoy this newsletter and satisfies your F_Aang_irl needs.

~Sage, Editor of _The Official F_Aang_irl Magazine_

**Contributing Authors**

Meng: A young woman from Mapaku Village. She met Avatar Aang on his journey to Master the Four Elements and quickly developed a crush on him. She remains convinced to this day that she was meant to marry him because he has big ears and that he'll leave his wife any day now.

Onji: A young woman from the Fire Nation. She had the rare honor of meeting Avatar Aang while he journeyed through the Fire Nation in disguise. If you give her half-a-chance, she'll talk in length about how she shared a dance with him.

Chan: More famously known as his alias: "Foamy Mouth Guy", he is probably the biggest Aang fanboy you'll ever meet. He has been known to spontaneously foam at the mouth if you even mention Aang's name. It creates a rather strange work environment here in the office with him foaming up every three minutes.

**Avatar Aang: A Quick Fact Sheet**

Nation of Birth: Air Nomad

Age: (as of publication date) 20/120 if you include Iceberg Time

Physical Characteristics: Rather tall, but slim build. A full-body tattoo of blue lines and arrows. Gray eyes. (_Onji: His eyes are SILVER!_) Clean shaven. (_Onji: But he has black hair when it grows out._) (_Meng: In a word: handsome._)

Family: No Air Nomad relatives left. He is married to Katara of the Southern Water Tribe. (_Meng: Floozy._) He has a small son named Tenzin. (_Onji: I've seen pictures of Tenzin. He is ADORABLE, just like his sexy dad!_) (_Meng: Everyone's thinking it, I'm just saying it… DILF!_)

Major Accomplishments as the Avatar: Learned of his status as the Avatar younger than any other Avatar, at age 12. Mastered the four elements and the Avatar State faster than any other Avatar, becoming fully realized by 13. Ended the Hundred Year war by facing and defeating the former Firelord Ozai singlehandedly. (_Onji: What I wouldn't give to have witnessed this…_) (_Foamy Mouth Guy: And the people of the Fire Nation prove just how loyal they are to their Firelord…_) (_Onji: Firelord Ozai was a terrible ruler._) (_Meng: He's not as sexy as Aang is either._) Heading up the effort to rebuild the world.

(_Onji: Can we get to the fun stuff now?_) (_Meng: Yes, first things first… guess who managed to get a copy of _Avatars Gone Wild_ featuring Aang!_) (_Foamy Mouth Guy: *foam*_) 


	2. Avatars Gone Wild

**LES: This chapter is dedicated to my fellow Kataang Forever Mature Board peeps. They are all ready well-familiar with _Avatars Gone Wild_, including Zuko's beef with the publication. Though, in Zuko's defense, the Firebending Avatar that came before Roku was a hot woman. (Pun intended).**

**Avatars Gone Wild

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Meng: We've got a great treat for all of our fellow F_Aang_irls out there, for I have managed to get my hands on a copy of the ultra-rare edition of _Avatars Gone Wild_, featuring Avatar Aang!

Onji: I can practically hear the entire female population on the Fire Nation screaming in delight right now. This particular edition of _Avatars Gone Wild_ is _impossible_ to find!

Foamy Mouth Guy: Really? Because you can find it in the Earth Kingdom if you look hard enough for it.

Meng: I heard a rumor that the former Firelord Ozai caught Zuko whacking off to _Avatars Gone Wild_ in the bathroom one day, and that's why he was banished.

Onji: So he banished the book from the Fire Nation?

Foamy Mouth Guy: It doesn't surprise me, actually.

Onji: But, it doesn't matter because now we've got our hands on a copy! *she pulls it out* Oh Dear Spirits, just _look_ at that cover!

Meng: He's just shirtless on the cover. But that's nothing compared to what is inside.

Onji: You mean…?

Meng: Full-frontal, baby!

Onji: Where?

Meng: *turns pages to the centerfold, allowing it to open up.* Spirits, now _that's_ a man!

Onji: Why did I ever let him go?

Foamy Mouth Guy: I thought only pornographic stars were that endowed…

Meng: When you are the Avatar, favored by the Spirits, you are obviously very blessed!

Onji: That's more than just a 'blessing'. And this was him two years ago?

Meng: Yep. They only feature an Avatar when they reach eighteen years old.

Onji: Now I have even more of a reason to be jealous of Master Katara.

Meng: Lots of girls do.

Foamy Mouth Guy: You're one to talk, Meng. I've never once heard you call Master Katara by her name.

Meng: She married my future husband. So I'm not allowed to have a little resentment?

Onji: As much as I don't want to turn away from the picture, what is the article about?

Foamy Mouth Guy: We _are_ sort of honor-bound to give people the information on Aang that they want.

Meng: … I don't know. I didn't look that far. I just spent a few hours staring at the picture.

Onji: I can't say I blame you, but hand it over. *takes the magazine from Meng* Okay, the title of the article is… "Avatar Aang: In the Closet Sex Fiend?"

Meng: … Sounds intriguing!

Foamy Mouth Guy: Do they mean 'in the closet' as in he's gay or 'in the closet' as in he's a secret sex fiend?

Onji: I think it's the later.

Meng: For the last time, that Floozy-who-shall-not-be-named is not Avatar Aang's gay beard! He _can't_ be gay! It would break the hearts of hundreds of women all over the world!

Onji: And yet him being straight breaks the hearts of gay men all over the world. Someone's got to lose.

Meng: Unless he's bisexual.

Onji: … Let's just read the article.

**Avatar Aang: In the Closet Sex Fiend?**

Despite many publication's attempts to gain an accurate portrait of Avatar Aang's private life with his new wife, Katara of the Southern Water Tribe, the young couple has proven to be quite tight-lipped about their personal relationship.

But not tight-lipped enough, it seems. (_Meng: This just screams of innuendo._)

New evidence has come to light that, not only do Avatar Aang and Lady Katara share an active sex life, but are secretly sex fiends who cannot keep their hands off each other even in circumstances where propriety demands them to behave themselves.

"The palace staff has caught them having sex all over the palace grounds." Firelord Zuko informed us. "Unused bedrooms, linen closets, dark garden corners, and even the throne room have all been 'christened' by Aang and Katara."

It's not just in the Fire Nation. Representatives from all of the nations can attest to similar stories. There is one incident in the Earth Kingdom that became the stuff of palace legend when a political meeting was adjourned for a few moments, and the politicians came back a half an hour later only to find Avatar Aang and Lady Katara having sex on the war table. (_Foamy Mouth Guy: Kinky!_) (_Meng & Onji: That should have been me!_)

Many of their friends, most of them members of the original group who traveled with Avatar Aang and his future wife on his quest to master the elements, seem to all be quite used to Avatar Aang and Lady Katara's sexual behavior.

"I stopped being mad at them long ago." Sokka, Katara's older brother, reported to us. "If I got mad at them every time I caught them having sex, I'd never be happy again."

According to their closest friends, it is quite common for them to walk in on the two having sex, and neither one ever seems very upset about it. Indeed, it is the source of a joke among them.

"We keep a running tally of how many times we've walked in on them." Sokka said. "Toph has the most, but she cheats because she knows when they are having sex even on the rare occasions when they are locked in their room."

When we confronted Avatar Aang about this information he refused to speak to us and demanded to know the names of our sources. It certainly did not help his 'innocent monk' façade to see that his robes had multiple repairs done to them, hastily stitched evidence of clothes being torn at the hands of his lusting wife.

Meng: Wow…

Onji: I believe it.

Meng: Of course you do. How long did it take for them to have Tenzin after they were married?

Onji: About a year.

Meng: So… he's still young and wild. And I certainly can't blame the floozy. If I were in her position, I'd be doing the same exact thing.

Onji: Namely… Aang.

Meng: Exactly.

Onji: Can we look at that picture of Aang naked again?

Meng: Yes!

Foamy Mouth Guy: I suppose I should be the one to end this newsletter. Pictures of both the cover and the naked picture that Meng and Onji are currently admiring are posted at the end of the newsletter. Next newsletter will be the start of the Lost Biography Interviews. See you next time, and don't forget to let your love for Avatar Aang show!

Meng: Hey! The next article says that Avatar Aang may have 'experimented' when he was younger!

Foamy Mouth Guy: *foam*


	3. The Lost Biography Interviews Part 1

**The Lost Biography Interviews Pt. 1

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Message from the Editor: Here at _The Official _FAang_irl Newsletter_, we are committed to reporting all mistakes and errors promptly. In the last newsletter, my fellow authors claimed that Firelord Zuko was banished because he was caught masturbating to the publication _Avatars Gone Wild_. But court documents provided by the Fire Nation ruling family prove that Firelord Zuko was banished because he refused to defend his honor in an Agni Kai.

~Sage, Editor of _The Official F_Aang_irl Newsletter

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_

Onji: I find it interesting that while they proved that he was banished for a legitimate reason, they never made an effort to debunk the story of him being caught doing things with _Avatars Gone Wild_.

Meng: *giggle*

Foamy Mouth Guy: As we promised last newsletter, we will begin to reveal interviews that were made for Avatar Aang's famous biography _Avatar: The Last Airbender_, which is currently being transformed into a three-part play directed by Bryan Konietzko and Michael Dante DiMartino.

Onji: What kind of names are those anyway?

Meng: Probably foreign.

Foamy Mouth Guy: That's not the point. The point is that there were hours upon hours of interview material that never made it into the novel, mainly because Avatar Aang went to great lengths to censor his friend's reports on his personal life. Unfortunately, there is little to add from Avatar Aang's lost biography because he was tight-lipped about his life, and none of the lost material was very interesting.

Onji: Talk about no fun. Pretty much everything he said went straight into the biography.

Meng: Anyway… just because Aang didn't talk didn't mean that his friends didn't talk! And we've got lost interview material from the next best person…

Foamy Mouth Guy: Avatar Aang's wife, Lady Katara.

Onji: Are you saying she totally dished the dirt on him?

Meng: Just see for yourself…

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**The Lost Biography Interviews: Lady Katara, wife of Avatar Aang**

Interviewer: First of all, I'd like to congratulate you on your marriage to Avatar Aang. If I must say, you look extremely happy.

Katara: I am.

Interviewer: We've all ready interviewed your husband and it is very clear to me that he's very in love with you, and that he had feelings for you from the moment that you met. But can you tell me how you managed to find the Avatar? Obviously, he couldn't.

Katara: Sure. My brother Sokka and I were out fishing, and we got caught in a strong current. Our canoe got smashed in the ice, and Sokka blamed our misfortune on me being a girl. I was so upset at him that I yelled at him about how sexist he was and my Bending got out of control. I cracked an iceberg in half and the iceberg that contained Aang floated to the surface. I saw that there was a living boy inside, so I took Sokka's club and cracked it open.

Interviewer: How did you feel about him when you first met him? Did you have any idea that you had just rescued your future husband?

Katara: No, I wasn't thinking that far ahead yet. Although I did warm up to him very quickly… we became fast friends. I was curious about him, because he was an Airbender. I had never seen another Bender besides the Firebenders that invaded our village from time to time.

Interviewer: Did you know he was the Avatar?

Katara: No. I didn't find out until Zuko attacked our village.

(Portion of this interview has been removed because it is covered in the biography.)

Interviewer: Now, I'm sure that the question that is on everyone's mind… what is it like to be married to the Avatar?

Katara: Aang and I don't talk about our private life to the press.

Interviewer: Off the record, then?

(_Onji: At this point, the interviewer begins to paraphrase Katara's answer. This is because she did honor the agreement by setting aside her interview materials over the course of the conversation, but remembered her answers and wrote them down later._)

Katara: There are many difficult things that are related to being the Avatar's wife. We constantly travel, we are unable to settle down completely, and sometimes Aang is in meetings for days at a time. There are also difficult things that come with being the wife of the only living Airbender. Every day I get hounded by politicians to hurry up and get pregnant so that we can begin rebuilding the Air Nomads. They seem to think that I'm in control of the whole pregnancy thing…

Interviewer: So you have been trying for a baby?

Katara: Of course. I've always wanted to be a mother, and becoming a father is more than a duty to Aang. He really wants to be a father. Believe me, if I could become pregnant at any time I wanted, I would have been pregnant years ago.

Interviewer: But you only married recently, right?

Katara: Aang and I recently got married in Water Tribe custom, but we've been married for years by Air Nomad custom.

Interviewer: Are Air Nomad customs less demanding?

Katara: There is no age restriction. To the Air Nomads, all that mattered was love. Things like age, race and gender didn't matter compared to love.

Interviewer: If the Air Nomads were so free with their love, do you ever grow concerned that your husband will… grow bored with you?

Katara: Never. I do not deny him anything.

(_Onji: Is it getting hot in here, or is that just me?_) (_Meng: It's both of us._) (_Foamy Mouth Guy: I guess he does experiment._) (_Meng: Yeah… on that floozy!_)

Interviewer: Sounds like you have a… well-rounded sex life.

Katara: I cannot resist him.

Interviewer: But what about the rumors about your husband's relationship with Firelord Zuko?

Katara: *laugh* You don't seriously believe that, do you?

Interviewer: Avatar Aang was not forthcoming about telling us what happened on his trip to master Firebending with Zuko.

Katara: They told me. But the secret to their mastery of Firebending is one that can never be revealed, or it could doom the Fire Nation and every other nation.

Interviewer: Are you joking?

Katara: Not even remotely.

Interviewer: What is your favorite thing about being married to the Avatar?

Katara: That's easy. Being married to Aang.

Interviewer: Isn't that the same thing?

Katara: Not quiet. The Avatar is the Spirit of the Planet, a Spiritual being with awesome powers. But Aang is a kind and gentle soul who would give up his own happiness and life for the happiness of others. Aang is in love with me and he spends every moment of our time together proving that to me. Being married to the Avatar is minor compared to being married to Aang. We are still off the record, are we not?

Interviewer: Of course.

Katara: My second favorite part is our sex life. He satisfies me thoroughly every time we make love. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Interviewer: Now you're making me jealous. Good sex is so hard to find.

Katara: I found mine.

Interviewer: Shall we move on?

Katara: Sure.

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Foamy Mouth Guy: She is certainly a lucky girl, is she not?

Onji & Meng: *passed out*

Foamy Mouth Guy: *shakes his head* Next issue shall be the continuance of the Lost Biography Interviews where we may finally get an answer to that age old question: Did Avatar Aang and Firelord Zuko fuck?

Meng: NO!

Onji: NO!

Foamy Mouth Guy: YES! *foam*


	4. The Lost Biography Interviews Part 2

**LES: This chapter contains slight Zuko-bashing. This is done in good fun. Believe me, I love Zuzu, but the guy is just too easy to make fun of!**

The Lost Biography Interviews Pt. 2

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Meng: He's NOT gay!

Foamy Mouth Guy: He totally is!

Meng: He's NOT gay!

Foamy Mouth Guy: Is!

Meng: Not!

Foamy Mouth Guy: Is!

Meng: Not!

Onji: Oh dear Spirits, would you two shut up? You've been arguing like this since the last newsletter came out!

Meng: Fine. Let's check out the next interview and see who is right.

Foamy Mouth Guy: Five gold pieces that this interview with Firelord Zuko will totally include him admitting that he had an affair with Avatar Aang in the past.

Meng: Five gold pieces says it's all just rumors started to give gay men hope.

Onji: Guys! Can we just get to the interview!

Meng: … Okay.

Foamy Mouth Guy: Fine.

Onji: And on one final note before we get started… Aang is DEFINITELY not gay!

Foamy Mouth Guy: Not you too!

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**The Lost Biography Interviews: Firelord Zuko**

Interviewer: Thank you for joining us, Firelord Zuko. I'm sure that you'll be able to provide us with plenty of information regarding Avatar Aang's life and the part that you played in it.

Zuko: I'm pleased to help. I know that _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ is making a great effort to be a lot more accurate than that horrible play _The Boy in the Iceberg_, so I'm happy to clear some things up.

Interviewer: Both Avatar Aang and Lady Katara spoke out against the inaccuracies in _The Boy in the Iceberg_. Would you like to add anything?

Zuko: Where to start? I'm not a completely humorless jerk. The scar is on the left side of my face, not the right. I was the Blue Spirit, and at no time did Aang refer to me as his hero. Nothing ever happened between Katara and myself. It took a lot of effort for me to join the group. And, of course, I did not die while screaming "Honor!"

Interviewer: *giggle* So you are confirming that nothing ever happened between you and Katara?

Zuko: Nothing happened.

Interviewer: Because a lot of people…

Zuko: They're wrong.

Interviewer: They point out a lot of evidence…

Zuko: They read too much into it.

Interviewer: Very well. I believe you. (_Onji: As she should! Who would choose ugly old Zuko when they have the Avatar himself as a lover?_) (_Meng: Someone insane._) (_Foamy Mouth Guy: You just insulted your own Firelord._) (_Onji: Aang is twice as sexy as him._) (_Meng: Ten times sexier!_) (_Sage: This conversation carried on in this vein for over an hour with the numbers getting progressively higher until the point when they were just making up numbers. Finally, Onji won with claiming that Aang was infinitely sexier than Zuko._)

Zuko: You should.

Interviewer: But there is another matter that we need some clearing up on.

Zuko: And that is?

Interviewer: What was your relationship with Avatar Aang?

Zuko: Well, when I first met him, I just wanted to capture him to hand him over to my father. But after returning to the Fire Nation and being exposed to the despicable things that my father wanted to do in the name of 'spreading the Fire Nation's greatness', I realized that it was my destiny to join the Avatar and help him in the war. After that, he became my student and my friend.

Interviewer: Yes, yes, we've all ready gotten that boring information.

Zuko: … Boring?

Interviewer: What are readers really want to know is what is your _relationship_ with Avatar Aang?

Zuko: I all ready answered that question.

Interviewer: Oh dear Spirits. Did you ever have an affair with Avatar Aang?

Zuko: WHAT? No! Where would anyone get an idea like that?

Interviewer: What about your journey to learn Firebending?

Zuko: We left to understand the true meaning of fire…

Interviewer: Of passion?

Zuko: No!

Interviewer: But previous interviews for other publications, namely for your fan club, has claimed that you and Avatar Aang have kissed.

Zuko: Let me guess who said that… Toph?

Interviewer: Indeed.

Zuko: Ugh. Leave it to Toph to twist the entire situation! IT WAS JUST ONE TIME!

Interviewer: So you have kissed Avatar Aang?

Zuko: Well… yes… but not because I had any feelings for him! It was after the war ended and Sokka got some hare-brained idea for us and our friends to play Spin the Bottle. The only rule was kisses between siblings were out, because Sokka and Katara were there. There was no rule against same-gender kissing.

Interviewer: So…

Zuko: So I spun the bottle and it landed on Aang. We tried to change the rules, but no one would let us. So we kissed. It wasn't a big deal.

Interviewer: So it was just a game?

Zuko: Yes!

Interviewer: Are you sure there were no underlying feelings?

Zuko: Yes! If we are judging how many affairs Aang had because of who he kissed that day, then he had an affair with practically everyone we know.

Interviewer: It's not impossible.

Zuko: It's not true.

Interviewer: So there was never any intimacy?

Zuko: Never. I'm in love with Mai, and he's in love with Katara. End of story. Can we please talk about something else?

Interviewer: … Fine.

* * *

Meng: I win! I win! I win!

Foamy Mouth Guy: Fuck!

Meng: He's not gay! He's not gay!

Onji: Um… yeah… actually neither of you win.

Meng: He's not… WHAT?

Onji: Meng, you bet that him being gay was just a rumor started to give gay men hope. But it seems to me that it was a rumor based on some evidence, no matter how slight.

Meng: But…

Onji: They DID kiss. Firelord Zuko admitted it. That would be more than enough to start some gay rumors.

Meng: Oh… damnit. Well, at least we all know for sure that he's not gay!

Onji: Chan must be really upset. He had his heart set on Avatar Aang being gay.

Meng: Where did he go anyway… Oh Spirits! He's drowning himself in his own foam!

Foamy Mouth Guy: *foam*

Meng: You idiot! Life's not over yet!

Onji: Um… anyway… the next interview will probably be with my favorite source on Avatar Aang of all time. She's so blunt and straight forward that even Avatar Aang has given up on controlling her. Check in next time with the interview with Avatar Aang's Earthbending teacher: Toph Bei Fong! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and stop Chan from drowning himself…


	5. The Lost Biography Interviews Part 3

**The Lost Biography Interviews Part 3

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_Firstly, I'd like to send out my apologies for getting this issue out so late. Unfortunately, Avatar Aang discovered our location and we were forced to relocate to a new, secure facility before he shut us down… Also, the contents of Toph's interview led to many fainting spells around our office, making work rather difficult. _

~Sage, Editor of _The Official F_Aang_irl Newsletter

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_

Onji: Good day to all my other F_Aang_irls out there. Unfortunately, we do have some bad news…

Meng: We couldn't get our hands on Toph Bei Fong's interview on Aang?

Onji: No, no, nothing like that. I have it right here in front of me, and boy, is it a dozy! No, I was just going to say that Foamy Mouth Guy is still recovering from almost drowning in his own foam last issue and he, unfortunately, cannot join us this time. He did, however, want me to say that he misses all of us and he'll be back as soon as he gets better.

Meng: When did he say that?

Onji: Sometime.

Meng: Because the only thing I ever heard him saying was that 'all the good ones are either straight or taken.'

Onji: Or both.

Meng: He's not taking Avatar Aang's sexuality too well, is he?

Onji: Well… I wasn't trying to say that but… no, he's not.

Meng: I almost feel sorry for him… almost.

Onji: That's kinda mean.

Meng: Avatar Aang is straight.

Onji: Well… I guess when you put it that way. Man, what I wouldn't give for _one night_!

Meng: You and me both!

Onji: I suppose this is the point when Foamy Mouth Guy would say that it's time to move onto the article. I'm sure that every F_Aang_irl would want to see this…

Meng: Toph Bei Fong… what would we do without her?

Onji: Know a lot less about Avatar Aang.

Meng: Point.

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**The Lost Biography Interviews: Toph Bei Fong**

Interviewer: Toph Bei Fong, I'd like to thank you for speaking to us today. I know that you live a very busy life as the most powerful Earthbender in the world, and we all really appreciate you taking the time to speak to us about Avatar Aang's life.

Toph: No problem.

Interviewer: Now, you came into Avatar Aang's life when he was searching all across the Earth Kingdom for an Earthbending teacher. What made you decide to join his group?

Toph: Honestly, I didn't give a damn about notions like saving the world, stopping the Firelord, or crap like that. I just wanted to get away from my controlling and strict parents.

Interviewer: Are you not the daughter of Lao and Poppy Bei Fong, the richest family in the Earth Kingdom with the exception of the Earth King himself?

Toph: Yep. But I don't want to talk about my parents. They always treated me like I was a weak little helpless blind girl, and it was driving me insane.

Interviewer: For what it's worth, there are very few people who will think you are weak and underestimate you now.

Toph: I know. It's awesome. If it's all right, I'd rather talk about Twinkletoes.

Interviewer: What is the significance of your nickname for Avatar Aang?

Toph: I called him that because he could use Airbending to float over the ground to the point where I couldn't even see him. Even when he's just walking around, I can barely sense where he is. That's why I called him Twinkletoes. I didn't nickname him because he's anything special. I gave nicknames to all my friends. Sokka is Snoozles, Katara is Sugar Queen, Zuko is Princess, and Suki is Fangirl.

Interviewer: What was the Avatar like as an Earthbending student?

Toph: He stunk… especially at first. It took a long time to beat the Airbender out of him so that he could face his problems head on instead of running away all the time like a wimp. He's better now, but he still can't beat me unless he uses the Avatar State… and that's cheating in my opinion.

Interviewer: What's it like being the closest friend to the Avatar that is not a member of his family?

Toph: It's no different. It doesn't matter that I have no direct relationship to him like Katara and Sokka do. We are all family. Aang's little brat calls me Aunt Toph, so that's enough to include me in the family.

Interviewer: Tenzin isn't a little brat! We've heard that he is a quiet and well-behaved child.

Toph: All children are brats, period.

Interviewer: So… what else can you tell us about Aang?

(_Onji: The Interviewer is obviously fishing for the good stuff. She knows that Toph is known to dish the dirt on Avatar Aang._) (_Meng: Which is all the better for us._)

Toph: Have you talked to Aang or Zuko about their little kiss?

Interviewer: Yes, I spoke to Zuko about it. But he said it was during a game of Spin the Bottle and that it didn't mean anything.

Toph: Bullshit. There was tongue!

Interviewer: Tongue? Really?

Toph: Well… I _may_ have told them that I'd bury their heads in solid rock if they didn't give us a good show, but they really did use tongue.

Interviewer: Oh…

(_Meng: I'm thinking that Chan wishes he was here after all._)

Toph: So, what else can I tell you about Aang? He lost his virginity at fifteen years old.

Interviewer: Really? That young?

Toph: You don't know Twinkletoes and Sugar Queen like I do. It's a miracle that they waited that long! Those two were so into each other that there were loads of times that I expected to wake up and see them fucking each other on our journey together.

Interviewer: So… if you're shocked that they waited so long, how are you sure that it was fifteen? Couldn't they have, um… 'done it' without you knowing about it?

Toph: Well… it's possible, but it's not true. You see, I was in the next room over and I heard the whole thing. They were definitely virgins before that moment.

Interviewer: They didn't know that you were listening in?

Toph: Aang could have known. I taught him how to see with Earthbending like me. If he had just paid attention, he could have seen me listening in. But, let me tell you something… once Katara grabs his dick, he's pretty much blind to the world.

Interviewer: … Interesting.

Toph: Ever since that moment, they've become sex fiends. Almost every night. They only time they ever took a break was when Katara was pregnant with and just gave birth to Tenzin. When she was pregnant with him, they only fucked rarely. After he was born, there was a several-month long period that they didn't fuck at all. Aang took to masturbation after that, but Katara would 'help him' every once in a while, if you know what I mean.

Interviewer: I… think I can figure it out. So… it shouldn't be long before another child is born?

Toph: Twinkletoes and Sugar Queen want to wait a little bit before they have another child.

Interviewer: So… they've slowed down on the sex?

Toph: No. Did I say that?

Interviewer: No. But if they continued to have sex 'every day' like you say, then there should definitely be more children on the way.

Toph: No, they still have sex every day. But there are more orifices for Aang to use rather than a vagina, and they won't end in pregnancy. … Are you okay? You seem like you're gonna faint.

Interviewer: Yeah… just a little bit of heat stroke. I'll be fine…

* * *

Onji: *faint*

Meng: *faint*

Sage: Wow… I'm the only one left. Err… normally, I prefer to be behind the scenes, but I guess I have no choice this time. Please stay tuned for the next edition of _The Official F_Aang_irl Newsletter_!


End file.
